A Rule That Can Change Your Relationships and Increase Your Influence With Family, Friends, and Even People You’ve Just Met

As we get older, we sometimes feel like people don’t pay much attention to us. We’ve lived a little, learned a lot, and have plenty of wisdom to share. The problem is, sometimes we can come across as saying, “Just listen to me! I know what I’m talking about. I’ve lived it!”

But what if the best way to make a difference in someone’s life isn’t to impress them with what we know, but to show them how much we value them?

About 15 years ago, I read a story that changed the way I approach conversations, relationships, and even opportunities to share Jesus.

The story involved Jennie Jerome, the mother of Winston Churchill. She once had dinner on consecutive nights with two prominent British politicians, Benjamin Disraeli and William Gladstone.

When asked about her impressions of the two men, she reportedly said: “When I left the dining room after sitting next to Gladstone, I thought he was the cleverest man in England. But when I sat next to Disraeli, I left feeling that I was the cleverest woman.”

Think about that! One man left her impressed with him. The other left her feeling good about herself.

Here’s the principle: Be impressed with others instead of trying to impress them.

The 30-Second Rule

In his book Leadership Gold, John Maxwell describes what he calls the 30-Second Rule. The idea is simple: Within the first 30 seconds of a conversation, say something encouraging that helps the other person feel noticed and valued. He calls it the “Triple Treatment”:

1. Attention — Give people your attention.

Listen to understand, not just to figure out what you’re going to say next. Put the phone down, make eye contact, and be present. People can tell when you’re genuinely interested in them.

2. Affirmation — Recognize something good.

Notice a person's character, effort, attitude, or something you appreciate about them. A sincere word of encouragement can make a bigger difference than you realize.

3. Appreciation — Let people know they matter.

Say thank you. Recognize their contribution. Don’t assume people know you appreciate them. Tell them!

This isn’t about flattery or trying to win people over. It’s about looking for the good in others and making sure they know you see it.

A Little Attention Can Open a Door

A few days ago, I was eating at a restaurant. Since most servers don’t wear name tags, I make it a habit to ask their names. Why? Because asking someone’s name sends a simple message: You matter enough for me to want to know your name.

This particular server told me her name was Mary Grace. I said, “I love that name! Mary is my mother’s name, and both names sound like they came straight out of the Bible!” That opened the door to a conversation about her faith. I also told her that her smile had made my day brighter.

Before leaving, I asked to speak to the manager. No, I wasn’t looking for a discount or complaining about the service. I wanted to tell him what a wonderful job Mary Grace was doing.

By taking a little time to notice her, encourage her, and show appreciation, we had a conversation that went beyond placing an order and bringing me my food.

I believe we had established enough rapport that I could have naturally brought Jesus into the conversation without making it feel forced.

Sometimes, the door to a spiritual conversation opens when we first show someone that we genuinely care about them.

What Do People Feel When They Leave You?

We all know people who seem determined to impress everyone they meet. They have a better story, a bigger accomplishment, and an opinion about just about everything. Being around them can feel like attending a one-person show where you didn’t know you were the audience!

But the 30-Second Rule challenges us to do something different. Instead of asking, “How can I make a good impression?” we ask, “How can I make this person feel valued?”

Here are three simple questions to ask yourself:

• Am I really listening, or am I just waiting for my turn to talk?

• Do I look for opportunities to encourage people?

• Do people feel better about themselves after spending time with me?

  
  

That last question is worth thinking about. When people walk away from a conversation with us, do they leave encouraged and hopeful—or are they just glad the conversation is over?

My desire, my goal with every person I meet, is for them to feel better about themselves when they walk away from me than they did when they walked up to me.

Of course, that doesn’t mean telling people everything they do is right. Sometimes love requires us to speak difficult truths. But even then, we can speak with grace, humility, and a genuine desire to help.

As followers of Jesus, we have an even greater reason to make our words count. Proverbs 18:21 reminds us that “death and life are in the power of the tongue.” Proverbs 16:24 says, “Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.”

Our words can discourage or encourage, tear down or build up. They can close doors or open them.

We may never know what someone is going through when we meet them. A sincere compliment, a few moments of genuine attention, or a simple expression of appreciation might be exactly what they need that day.

And when we treat people with the love and kindness of Jesus, we may create opportunities to share the hope we have in Him.

Your Last Best Bite

I’m continually amazed at how good the Holy Spirit makes me feel when I stop trying to impress people and start allowing myself to be impressed by them. When I slow down, really listen, and look for the good in others, He changes not only the way I see people, but the way I feel about them. I’m learning that the more I focus on making others feel valued, the more joy He brings to my own heart. And that’s a pretty good trade!